Tag: coaching

The Pitfalls of People-Pleasing in Female Leadership in the public and third sectors

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In the realm of leadership, there’s a pervasive misconception that being agreeable and accommodating to everyone is a sure path to success. This tendency to prioritize others’ needs over one’s own, known as people-pleasing, is often glorified, especially when it comes to women in leadership roles. However, a deeper examination reveals that people-pleasing is fundamentally incompatible with effective leadership, particularly for women striving to break through the glass ceiling.

What is People-Pleasing?

People-pleasing is a behaviour characterized by an excessive need for approval and a fear of rejection or conflict. It involves prioritizing the desires and expectations of others over one’s own needs and desires. While it may seem like a harmless trait, especially in a society that values harmony and cooperation, it can have detrimental effects, particularly in leadership positions. In many ways it is written in our DNA: In anthropological terms, it was necessary for women to be useful to a tribe in a way that men were not, so people pleasing was a sure fire way to keep in with the tribe !

Both people-pleasing and perfectionism stem from a fear of inadequacy and rejection, perpetuating a cycle of striving for acceptance through constant achievement and perfection. This leads to a never-ending pursuit where no amount of effort seems enough. The focus on pleasing others creates a divide between one’s true self and the persona presented to the world, resulting in a loss of authenticity and self-awareness. The approval gained from pleasing others fails to alleviate internal doubts and anxieties, as it is based on a false representation. Consequently, individuals lose touch with their genuine preferences, beliefs, and values, as they prioritize meeting external expectations. People-pleasing and perfectionism act as shields, obscuring the true self and hindering personal growth and fulfillment. Breaking free from these patterns requires embracing authenticity and prioritizing self-awareness over external validation.

In the context of female leadership, the pressure to be likable and accommodating is often magnified. Women in leadership roles are frequently expected to navigate a delicate balance between assertiveness and nurturing, all while contending with societal stereotypes and biases. As a result, many women succumb to the temptation to prioritize harmony over confrontation, leading them down the slippery slope of people-pleasing.

Why People-Pleasing is Incompatible with Good Leadership

At first glance, people-pleasing may appear to foster positive relationships and teamwork. However, beneath the surface lies a host of problems that can undermine effective leadership for example:

  • Loss of Authenticity: Constantly seeking approval from others can erode a leader’s sense of self and authenticity. By prioritizing others’ expectations over their own values and principles, leaders risk losing sight of who they truly are and what they stand for.
  • Inability to Make Tough Decisions: Effective leadership often requires making difficult decisions that may not be popular with everyone. People-pleasers, fearing backlash or disapproval, may shy away from making these tough calls, leading to indecision and stagnation within the organization.
  • Undermined Authority: Leaders who constantly seek validation from their team members may struggle to command respect and authority. Employees may perceive them as weak or indecisive, undermining their ability to lead effectively.
  • Stifled Innovation: Innovation thrives in environments where diverse perspectives are encouraged and dissenting opinions are welcomed. However, a culture of people-pleasing stifles creativity and innovation by discouraging constructive criticism and honest feedback.
  • Burnout and Resentment: Being a female leader and a people-pleaser can have significant consequences for wellbeing. Constantly striving to meet others’ expectations while neglecting one’s own needs can lead to heightened stress, anxiety, and burnout. Female leaders may find themselves caught in a cycle of overwork as they attempt to juggle the demands of leadership with the desire to please everyone. This relentless pursuit of approval can take a toll on both mental and physical health, leading to exhaustion, sleep disturbances, and decreased resilience. Moreover, the pressure to maintain a façade of perfection can exacerbate feelings of impostor syndrome and undermine self-confidence. Additionally, the internal conflict between authenticity and conformity can create a sense of dissonance, leaving female leaders feeling disconnected from their true selves. This lack of alignment with one’s values and beliefs can erode self-esteem and contribute to feelings of emptiness or dissatisfaction. In the long term, the negative impact on wellbeing can extend beyond the individual to affect relationships, job performance, and overall quality of life. It’s essential for female leaders to prioritize self-care, set boundaries, and seek support to mitigate the harmful effects of people-pleasing on their wellbeing.

Moving Towards Authentic Leadership

Authentic leadership for women involves aligning actions with personal values, fostering genuine connections, and embracing vulnerability (Northouse, 2015). It emphasizes transparency, self-awareness, and integrity, allowing female leaders to inspire trust and loyalty (Avolio & Gardner, 2005). By embracing authenticity, women leaders cultivate a supportive and inclusive work culture, where individuals feel empowered to express themselves and contribute fully (Gardner et al., 2011). This approach fosters collaboration, innovation, and employee engagement, leading to improved organizational performance and greater job satisfaction (Walumbwa et al., 2008). Ultimately, authentic leadership enables women to lead with confidence and make a meaningful impact on their teams and organizations.

Breaking free from the people-pleasing trap requires a conscious effort to cultivate authenticity, assertiveness, and self-confidence. Female leaders, in particular, must challenge societal norms and stereotypes, embracing their unique strengths and leadership styles. By prioritizing open communication, fostering a culture of accountability, and leading by example, women can redefine leadership on their own terms.

So… while the temptation to people-please may be strong, particularly for women in leadership roles, it ultimately undermines the very essence of effective leadership. By embracing authenticity, assertiveness, and self-confidence, female leaders can chart a new course towards more inclusive, innovative, and sustainable leadership practices.

10 Ways to Stop being a people pleasing leader

  1. Set Boundaries: Clearly define your limits and communicate them assertively to your team. Be firm in saying no to requests or tasks that don’t align with your priorities or values.
  • Practice Self-Reflection: Take time to reflect on your motivations and behaviors. Identify instances where you’ve prioritized others’ needs over your own and explore alternative responses.
  • Develop Assertiveness Skills: Learn to express your thoughts, opinions, and needs confidently and respectfully. Practice assertive communication techniques to assert your boundaries and preferences without being overly aggressive or passive.
  • Delegate Responsibility: Trust your team members to take on tasks and make decisions independently. Delegating responsibilities not only empowers your team but also frees up time for you to focus on strategic priorities.
  • Focus on Impact: Shift your focus from seeking approval to making a positive impact. Prioritize actions and decisions based on their potential to benefit the organization and stakeholders rather than solely seeking validation.
  • Embrace Constructive Feedback: Welcome feedback from others, even if it’s critical. Use feedback as an opportunity for growth and learning rather than taking it personally or feeling the need to defend yourself.
  • Practice Self-Care: Prioritize your well-being by taking care of your physical, mental, and emotional health. Schedule regular breaks, engage in activities you enjoy, and seek support from friends, family, or a mentor.
  • Cultivate Authentic Relationships: Foster genuine connections with your team based on trust, respect, and mutual understanding. Authentic relationships encourage open communication and collaboration, reducing the need for people-pleasing behaviors.
  • Stay True to Your Values: Align your actions with your core values and principles. Make decisions that reflect your beliefs, even if they may not be popular or well-received by everyone.

Seek Professional Development: Invest in leadership development programs or coaching to enhance your leadership skills and confidence. Surround yourself with supportive peers and mentors who can provide guidance and encouragement as you navigate away from people-pleasing tendencies

References:

Abrams, D., & Hogg, M. A. (2010). Social Identity Theory: Constructive and Critical Advances. Springer Science & Business Media.

Eagly, A. H., & Carli, L. L. (2007). Women and the labyrinth of leadership. Harvard Business Review, 85(9), 62-71.

Glick, P., & Fiske, S. T. (1996). The ambivalent sexism inventory: Differentiating hostile and benevolent sexism. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 70(3), 491.

Morin, A. (2015). 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do: Take Back Your Power, Embrace Change, Face Your Fears, and Train Your Brain for Happiness and Success. William Morrow Paperbacks

    ~The Art of Quiet leadership

    This post first appeared on the OpenLearn Website : https://www.open.edu/openlearn/money-business/leadership-management/quiet-leadership-post-covid-world

    The last ten years have seen the rise of populist leaders, characterised by their extroverted ‘style before substance’ self-promotion approach.

    Individuals such as Donald Trump; Boris Johnson and Jair Bolsonaro, promote the ideal of the pushy extroverted leader, who speaks without thinking, reacts rapidly and excitedly and changes tack frequently.

    For some time now there has been a general perception that you are better off in the workplace, and as a leader, if you have extrovert tendencies: In other words, if you are ‘boastful and booming’ rather than ‘contemplative and calm’. But research on quiet more introverted styles of leadership has shown that introverts may be far better suited to today’s challenges.

    Introversion Vs extroversion

    The perception that extroverted individuals make better leaders, is influenced by the fact that there are more extroverts in leadership positions, combined with the fact that extroverts are much more likely to tell you how good they are. The traits of extroversion and introversion, first introduced by the famous psychologist Carl Jung, are generally characterised by garrulous outgoing and energetic behaviours in extroverts, whereas introverted characters are more likely to be calm, reflective and often prefer the written to the spoken medium.

    In actual fact, according to most personality tests that set out to measure these tendencies, behaviours are more often placed on a continuum rather than being confined to one extreme or the other: Ambiversion-the ability to shift between introverted and extroverted behaviours, is very common, for example, salespeople that on one hand, need to listen deeply, on the other, talk enthusiastically about their products (Kahnweiler, 2009,p, 3). …studies found that extrovert’s positive outlook can make them more resilient to stress…

    Some studies, such as one that looked at extroversion in the workplace from a multiple countries perspective, found that extroverts are more likely to rise to leadership positions due to a greater motivation to achieve external goals, such as a promotion or increased salary. These studies found that extrovert’s positive outlook can make them more resilient to stress and more likely to bounce back from failure, both recognized qualities of strong leaders (Ledesma, 2014).  

    But according to Susan Cain, author of the bestselling book ‘Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that can’t stop talking’, society as a whole undervalues introverts, particularly as leaders. She argues that without introverts we wouldn’t have leadership achievements such as The Apple computer, or theory of relativity – Steve Jobs and Albert Einstein were both introverts.Graphic of introverts VS ExtrovertsCopyrighted image IconFigure 1 Adapted from information in (Kahnweiler, 2009)

    The power of the introverted quiet leader

    So what do introverts bring to leadership positions and how can they overcome their key challenges?

    Research shows that introverts can bring a great deal to the table in leadership positions: they are more likely to listen and process the ideas of their team; they consider ideas deeply before acting; they are humble and more likely to credit their team for ideas and performance; they express themselves and their ideas well in writing and because their motivation generally comes from within, are less likely to compromise performance in seeking rewards such as money or power.

    For this reason, their judgement is less likely to be compromised through excitement or promise of rich rewards.  However, there is a downside: Many western societies, including the US, have long favoured extroverted behaviours: Psychologist, Robert McCrae created a map of the world, showing the extent to which, different countries favour introverted or extroverted qualities (McCrae & Terracciano, 2005). Asian /oriental societies erred on the side of favouring introverted qualities whilst Western cultures revealed the opposite.

    However, the Western predilection to favour extroversion has resulted in many leadership courses, such as MBAs being structured to favour extroverted activities such as; talking about achievements or large group presentations. These can leave introverted students feeling they lack the qualities necessary for ‘good leadership’.

    So what are introverts key challenges and how do should they overcome them?

    Jennifer Kahnweiler’s studies into leadership challenges for introverts revealed six key factors which can hold introverts back from rising to leadership postiions:

    1. People exhaustion (draining of energy due to too many people contact)
    2. Fast pace (leaving little time for reflection)
    3. Interruptions (particularly difficult given our ‘always on’ world)
    4. A pressure to self-promote
    5. An emphasis on teamwork
    6. An aversion towards negative impressions (introverts’ facial expression doesn’t often reveal their emotion as readily as extroverts)

    She advocates a 4 Ps Process to overcome these challenges:

    Preparation

    Try to prepare in advance for people heavy situations such as meetings, create your questions when you have time to think about them

    Presence

    Show people, you are present by showing you are interested and aware through making eye contact or asking a question

    Push

    Push yourself out of your comfort zone as often as possible: more pain more gain!  

    Practice 

    Practice new behaviours such as telling stories, public speaking

    Yet today’s world seems to demand extroverted qualities more than ever: leaders are expected to respond rapidly to increasingly complex scenarios; news travels faster than ever in an ‘always-on world,’ so why do we need more introverts in leadership positions?

    Introverted leaders for the future

    Introverted leaders have a great deal to offer in our complex and increasingly chaotic world: The creativity and staying power of introverts are vital to solving long term problems such as climate change or the increased possibility of worldwide viruses such as Covid19, which emerge due to complex social and ecological factors.

    In addition, introverts recognize fellow introverts- introverts makeup 40-60% of the workforce if they are undervalued or not recognised, as is often the case if their leader is an extrovert, they are more likely to leave.

    Finally, leaders cannot resolve complex problems without listening to their experts, failure to do so has been a leitmotif of populist leaders whose performance at controlling covid19 has been little short of catastrophic. Given these factors, it could well be the day of the populist extrovert is over and the time for the reflective quiet leader, is indeed upon us.